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MUMS MAKING FRIENDS

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Why do mums need other mum friends?

Mothers are not robots, contrary to their children’s belief.  They are in fact humans and humans require a sense of society and belonging.

As John Donne put it ‘no man is an island.’  Yet there is this growing trend to leave mothers at home (for at least the first three months) and shut her in the house alone.  Is it any wonder that post-natal depression is on the rise?

The African proverb ‘It takes a whole village to raise a child’ is something all modern mothers should consider.  There are no villages in the western world anymore, as a mother you must create your own support network village for your own sanity.

Find people who you can call and cry to, who have similar values and beliefs and who can encourage you.  Make your own village, make some friends today.

So how do mums make friends in Canberra when they’re not at work and when they have a demanding toddler at their heels or a baby on their breast?

Here are my top 5 tips for making friends in the Berra, written from my own nutty experiences.

MOPS

MOPS is a mother’s group that has nothing to do with your kitchen floor and everything to do with making new friends.

MOPS stands for Mother’s of Pre-Schoolers: this means children under school age, including babies.  It is a church-based organisation that meets fortnightly.

For a total of around $7 a visit (first visit free), volunteers watch your children in the room next door.  This gives you the opportunity to talk to other grownups, do craft, have a coffee and cake (without having to share it with your toddler) and discuss issues like ways of coping with anger or child encouragement.

The kids have their own program called MOPPET which includes craft time, outdoor play and morning tea.

My best mum friends were made through this group.  It is a group full of kind, caring and clever women run by other mums as busy as you.

There are currently two MOPS groups in Canberra, a north and a south side – but they don’t compete for which side is the best.

The greatest thing is that MOPS runs all over the world.  So no matter where you live you can log into www.mops.org.au and find your closest group.

 Walking groups

Across the ACT border there is a free walking group for NSW Mums.  Bring your pram or a kid’s tricycle on a Monday morning and walk around the Jerrabomberra Lake.

A personal trainer walks with you and at intervals you stop and do a few easy stretches.  You will feel tired but it is not too hard and afterwards the mums have coffee at the local shops or you can justify buying yourself a big block of chocolate there (usually after the trainer has left).

A maternal health nurse also walks with the group and you can ask her all the questions you like.  From breastfeeding to should I get this mole on my 3 year old checked?

I love the great friendly group of mums, the opportunity to get fit, and support of experienced staff but above all I love that it is free. Find out more here.

If you live in Canberra, do not fear – The Heart Foundation runs free walking groups all over Australia.  If you attend the group regularly you might even win a drink bottle or a t-shirt prize.

To find The Heart Foundation’s pram friendly walking groups near you, visit here.

If there isn’t a group for you, you can even create your own and have the full support of the Heart Foundation behind you.

Paint and Play

I have yet to attend a Paint and Play but it seems to be the thing mothers talk about around our imaginary water coolers. I have been waiting for the weather to warm up…waiting and waiting… and still waiting.

The word on the Sesame Street is that there are picnic rugs, sunshine (when it gets here), a relaxed setting and all the messy play stuff that you don’t want to do at home.

Paint and Play runs in various locations across Canberra and is free. For all the dates and addresses go here.

Playgroups

Playgroups are all over the world and they give kids a chance to play and mums a chance to socialise.

There are so many playgroups that there will be one to suit you; there are structured groups and really relaxed ones, ones for babies and one’s for older kids, there are playgroups that include excursions and ones that focus on inside play.  To find the group that will suit you go here.

Finding the right playgroup can be hard, so I rely on word of mouth.  A friend recently told me about a Tuesday morning Richardson Community House Playgroup.

It is relaxed and costs only a gold coin donation for every visit.  One or two staff members are around to help you if you have more than one child or just want to sit by yourself for five minutes.

The staff are trained in childcare, run courses and are great sounding boards for all things kid related.  They also provide a fruit platter for your kid’s morning tea.  Their phone number is 1800 171 882.

The random meet

One of my closest friends in Adelaide was a stranger I met at a playgroup; neither of us went back to the playgroup but we exchanged numbers and our friendship blossomed.

Local parks are great hangouts to find other lonely mums.  I like to strike up conversations in the parent’s room of Westfield Centres or in the queue of my local supermarket.

I also go to the library outside of the storytime rush; I’ve talked to many random mums for ages while my kids pick out books and run a quiet riot in the library.

Nurture your social side

The social side of my mum life is as important to me as eating right and exercising.  It helps me keep sane and be a better mum for my kids.

Friendships will do the same for you, so get among the people and see what happens.  What are you waiting for?

Where have you made mum friends? I’ve made lasting friendships through my ACT Health New Parents Group and through group fitness (my Zumba Mamacitas are a fantastic group of women). Share your tips on the best ways to make new mates…

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34 Responses to MUMS MAKING FRIENDS

Vivienne says: 11 October, 2011 at 10:50 am

I was a mum of preschoolers in the mid seventies when the playgroup movement was just starting in Australia. I made wonderful friends there who remain my close friends today, though geographically apart. We’ve been there for each other through all the stages of childhood and adolescence, and our own move from stay at home mums to working mums and retirees. These days we’re sharing the joys of grandparenting, We still laugh to gossip and laugh a lot.

dixiebelle says: 11 October, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Any mum’s/ dad’s into ‘urban homesteading’ (gardening, preserving, chicken keeping, DIYing, punk domesticating, living frugally etc.) are most welcome to join our group, The Urban Homesteading Club (Canberra & Surrounds) by requesting to join our Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/groups/theurbanhomesteadingclub/ We get together once a month, with a member hosting the GTG and possible workshop/ discussion/ skill leaning event, and kids/ partners welcome. We also chat on the FB group, and share links, plus you can arrange to meet up other times with like-minded parents near you!

Regan says: 11 October, 2011 at 8:18 pm

I went to the Majura Womens Group (in Downer) with daughter no 1, for some great activities and childcare in the room next door (the sister Brindabella Womens Group runs on the southside). Members vote for weekly activities, from dancing, craft to information sessions, and there is an annual community art project to take part in. The activities are cheap (gold coin donation I think) cos they’re government subsidised.

Here are the links to the groups (sorry I’m not sure how to hyperlink them)

http://www.majurawomensgroup.net

http://www.brindabellawomensgroup.org

realitycheck says: 13 October, 2011 at 6:09 pm

I find this article somewhat confusing. I’m a single mother managing a successful career and at no stage have I ever felt that society has locked me away for three months. I find a great sense of achievement in taking responsibility for my life and that of my children with very little help from my family or a “village”. The three month entitlement of maternity leave is for six weeks prior to the birth of your child to give your body time to prepare and six weeks after to help your body repair after such trauma. This is just for work purposes. A mother can still be part of society whilst on maternity leave. Some mothers even choose to extend this time at half pay to spend more time at home. It’s not society forcing them to. It’s their choice. I also feel the beginning of the article is somewhat hypocritical. Your bio states “She has no job outside of the home and too many tasks inside of it to manager anything successfully”. This only indicates to me that you have chosen to hide from society and shut yourself in your home not that society has made you do it. Perhaps you should find a job, take responsibility for your own life and become a role model for your children in showing them that a woman is capable and in control. Maybe your children see you as a “robot” because you are conditioning them to perceive you as one. Perhaps you should spend less time writing, reading and gossiping and spend a little more time being constructive with your life and you may find society will judge you differently. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were the type of mother happy to stay home causing undue pressure on your “handsome husband” to continuously work hard to keep you at home. I also find it offensive that just because I’m a mother I need to social with others just because they are mothers. Being a mother is only one role I play in life and I am more than capable of making friends on my own without using my children as an excuse to socialise. Why have four children if you find it so difficult to successfully fulfill the one role of being a mother? Women have fought so hard for equality in western society and you have just taken us back twenty years.

Amanda Whitley says: 13 October, 2011 at 8:53 pm

realitycheck, it’s cool that you have opinions…but it’s not anywhere near cool that you choose to be so rude in opposing Shelley’s.

Please…show some respect and realise that there is a real person behind the web post who could quite easily (most probably) be really hurt and upset by your comments.

I saw Shelley’s post as a useful resource for those mums who found it hard to meet people after leaving the social environment of the workforce…and for those mums with young kids who’ve moved here without a support or social network. It really doesn’t need to be any deeper than that.

Chrissy says: 13 October, 2011 at 9:52 pm

I don’t have kids yet but I feel that what Shelley said made sense- both from what I have learned from my friends who have had kids, and from my own feelings about wanting to have a strong network when I do. Maybe reality check, you should think about why you feel the need to pass such harsh judgement on others and consider spending more time getting to know people who might have different views but are still great parents and nice people…

Lou R says: 13 October, 2011 at 9:59 pm

By writing this article for other mums out there, Shelley’s most definitely spending time being constructive with her life. This article really hits home with me – I’ve just had to pull my child out of daycare for financial reasons and have ventured into the world of stay-at-home-mums. Not many of my existing friends have done this, so I’m finding my biggest struggle is trying to stay social myself. I have a very active 2 year old, so finding other mums with kids around the same age means that both myself and my son get to socialise (which is so important for the both of us) and get out and about. On top of all this, I battled post natal depression in the 18 months after my son was born, and I’m doing all I can to prevent it from hitting me again. Friends have been the ultimate medicine, so finding new ones is always a bonus.

Yes, I could go back to working fulltime and put my child in fulltime daycare, but I’d rather spend more time with him than an hour or two a day before his bedtime. I love being such an active part of my child’s life. I’m more than keen to find other mums who are doing the same. Of course I’m not limiting myself to making friends only with other mums, but everyone else is at work when I’m at home with my child.

I really appreciate Shelley having taken the time to write this post.

Sandra R says: 13 October, 2011 at 10:38 pm

Reality Check, so many assumptions on your part. So much judgement. So much self-righteousness. More than a modicum of jealousy. Let’s de-construct your arguments shall we?

I find a great sense of achievement in taking responsibility for my life and that of my children with very little help from my family or a “village”.

Well, bully for you. Some people manage better with more people around them, others do not care for it. It doesn’t make it better, or worse, just different.

The three month entitlement of maternity leave is for six weeks prior to the birth of your child to give your body time to prepare and six weeks after to help your body repair after such trauma.

Says who? Is it prescribed in law somewhere? The amount of maternity leave one takes and the time one takes it is entirely a decision made between a woman and her employer.

I also feel the beginning of the article is somewhat hypocritical. Your bio states “She has no job outside of the home and too many tasks inside of it to manager anything successfully”. This only indicates to me that you have chosen to hide from society and shut yourself in your home not that society has made you do it.

Or, perhaps, it’s a literary device. Confusing perhaps, but hardly hypocritical. As for hiding from society, that’s a hellava long bow you’re drawing, not to mention incredibly sanctimonious. Which leads me to …

Perhaps you should find a job, take responsibility for your own life and become a role model for your children in showing them that a woman is capable and in control. Maybe your children see you as a “robot” because you are conditioning them to perceive you as one.

Ah yes, that old chestnut. Prejorative, prescriptive, a one-size-fits-all solution for the problem at hand. Outstanding logic. Pathetic insensitivity to the many permutations that factor into every woman’s individual decision. Just because it worked for you, doesn’t mean it should be the lot of every woman. THAT’s what our feminist sisters and mothers worked so hard for – that working, or staying at home, all work is relevant and meaningful.

Perhaps you should spend less time writing, reading and gossiping and spend a little more time being constructive with your life and you may find society will judge you differently.

Wow. Different types of work have different value – hold.the.freaking.phone. You mean I didn’t do it properly?
You have a hierarchy of jobs pidgeon-holed somewhere don’t you? I freely declare I have a vested interest in your answer, what with me being a published author (and a single mother who stayed at home for two years at that) and all.

I wouldn’t be surprised if you were the type of mother happy to stay home causing undue pressure on your “handsome husband” to continuously work hard to keep you at home.

Fuck me, you’re a bloody rude and opinionated woman aren’t you? Give the poor bloody woman and her husband some courtesy. It wouldn’t hurt you to kick your heels up once in a while either. What’s that, you already do? Then stop with the assumptions, m’kay?

I also find it offensive that just because I’m a mother I need to social with others just because they are mothers. Being a mother is only one role I play in life and I am more than capable of making friends on my own without using my children as an excuse to socialise.

Tell me, in an effort to make friends, do you brow-beat them with the power of your intellect like this? Do they just nod unblinkingly at everything you say, ANYTHING to shut.you.the.hell.up? Just wondering.

Why have four children if you find it so difficult to successfully fulfill the one role of being a mother? Women have fought so hard for equality in western society and you have just taken us back twenty years.

Epic Fail. Lady, please, for the love of Mike, print out your original response, take it to a therapist and discuss. Allow a few sessions.

Sarah Mason says: 13 October, 2011 at 9:55 pm

Reality Check, we all have our own paths – clearly yours is different from Shelleys. I think its important to remember that twenty years ago, women in all walks of life may not have had the confidence or the tools to reach out and share their own stories. The great thing about sites like this is seeing other people’s lives; and being okay with the differences between us. I agree, we need to keep fighting for equality, but not by tearing each other down.

dixiebelle says: 13 October, 2011 at 10:07 pm

“I wouldn’t be surprised if you were the type of mother happy to stay home causing undue pressure on your “handsome husband” to continuously work hard to keep you at home.”

“Women have fought so hard for equality in western society and you have just taken us back twenty years.” Sorry, who took us back 20 years?

Lisa Barrett says: 13 October, 2011 at 10:23 pm

When I had my babies, I’d chosen to leave my profession and stay at home with them full-time, and with no friends with kids, and no family to help, I also suddenly found myself quite alone and in need of adult conversation.

I found that my mothers group was a fantastic resource at first, for information and re-assurance that you are getting it right, and later formed good friendships with my new mummy peers who I could happily talk about toilet training and kids sleeping habits and share stories and valuable help and opinions.

It’s obvious that RealityCheck has had a completely opposite experience, and perhaps does not know the challenges of a stay at home mum – because she isn’t one. Good for you if you can pull off being a super mum, but don’t you pity me for choosing it my way – or judge the needs of other women who need peers and support… I sure did!

Jayne says: 13 October, 2011 at 11:08 pm

Realitycheck – I think you need a reality check. Open your eyes and you will see that there are so many different ways to live in this world. Shelley is talking about the way she is living and what she is experiencing, why do you feel the need to tell her it is wrong? There is no prescribed way to live your life.

Josie says: 13 October, 2011 at 11:40 pm

Hey Realitycheck, nice work on slamming the article about helpful tips for mothers. We should hang out more. I’m planning on going to my local charity on the weekend and telling them that they’re shit and inferior to me – wanna come with?

realitycheck says: 14 October, 2011 at 1:29 am

I agree there are many different ways to live a life and be a mother. Suggesting ways to meet other mothers is fine but don’t tie it into society making life difficult. I apologise for causing so much upset resulting in some readers to use colourful language to articulate their opinions. I merely wanted to make a point that the link between the need for mothers groups and pressures from western society is a bit of a stretch. I accept people have differing opinions and mine is just one of the many. Employers have minimum legal obligations through the Maternity Leave (Commonwealth employees) Act 1973 and National Employment Standards. My comment was referring to paid leave but there is also the entitlement for 12 months unpaid leave. Giving new people to the area a hand is fine but keep it within reason. I also see I have personally offended some women who are stay-at-home mothers. My comments were directed to Shelley and noone else. She says herself that she has too many tasks to manage anything successfully. I’m by no means generalising and stating that all stay-at-home mothers are not capable or strong. I have actually tried the mother group thing and found it wasn’t for me. Doesn’t mean it’s not for everyone. It’s just my opinion. I understand websites such as this are for women to share their opinions and experiences. Shelley’s opinion has been accepted as should mine. You may not agree with it just as I don’t agree with the beginning of Shelley’s article but that’s why it’s fabulous to have such a forum to share our thoughts. Shelley, perhaps your “village” needs to support you more rather than relying on you to do everything for them.

Sally says: 12 December, 2012 at 4:03 pm

realitycheck, I’d love to read your comments on the hugely popular and oft referenced piece from earlier this year entitled ‘Why Women Still Can’t Have It All”. You seem to have it all worked out, perfectly balanced, living the dream. So pray, do tell, how do you do it?

Here’s the link to the piece if you’ve been too beyond-busy to read it up until now: http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-cant-have-it-all/309020/

Shelley Eldridge says: 14 October, 2011 at 10:40 am

Dear Reality Check,

Well, I did feel locked away for a long time, a lot longer than 3 months. Whether it was society or me, I will never know. It could have been the fact that I moved interstate and there was no space to put me in a new mother’s group and no alternative suggestions given to meet other people. I was very much on my own with a ‘handsome husband’ that worked long hours in a new job. I was offered a full time position in a public service job but when I discovered that I was pregnant with my second child, I declined. Even without the pregnancy I was weighing on the side of staying at home, because that was how I felt at the time.

Finding my voice and writing to HerCanberra has been a wonderful experience, it has been years since I have felt this sort of purpose in my life. Does that mean I should run off and start looking for work? No, because I still have two children at home and one at pre-school, so the cost of childcare takes away the option to work. Also, shouldn’t I give my younger children the same opportunities that I gave my eldest? Like story-time at the library, walking to the shops and talking about nature, playing in the park on a beautiful sunny day? That means sacrificing a bit of myself for the needs of my children. Isn’t that what we do as parents?

I assure you, that I am no shrinking violet. If I was hiding away would I be writing this article? When my three daughters enter adulthood, I hope they see me as the strong woman I am; someone who takes responsibility for my own life by raising the children I have the best way my husband and I see fit. They should see me as a woman who has made hard choices, including that of having four children close together in age and staying at home. What example are you setting for your child? Will you be disappointed if your child choices to be a stay-at-home parent?

I truly thought that the debate between stay-at-home mums and working mums was well over. As for the feminists they fought for our ‘choices,’ not so every woman could be the same. My choice and your choice are both outcomes of the feminist movement. The sooner we realise this and support each other with our decisions, the better for all of us.

I CAN NOT DO THIS PARENTING THING ON MY OWN! It has taken me years to be able to say that and I feel that others are in the same boat. It is OK to not be in control of everything and in my bio I wanted to let others know that may feel the same way. As a Mother (regardless of your work status) things go wrong and we don’t always have all the answers (unless you are Reality Check, who has the whole world figured out).

As for my friendship groups, I have a diverse range of friends; some are single, some are married with no children, some have one child and some have many children. Some of my friends work, some of them don’t. I choose my friends on the things we have in common, whether it be that we both have simular values in raising our children, or that we both love reading. Having children is not enough to become my friend, you need to have a sense of humour at the very least.

I appreciate that the reality slap in the face is for me and no other stay-at-home mums, but all mothers are vulnerable. In writing a negative response you are attacking us all. I remember the pressure I felt to return to work when my eldest daughter reached 6 months. It was from reading people’s comments like this online late at night that made me feel like being a mum was not enough. Maybe being a mum is not enough for you but it is for me. I will return to the workforce when I am ready or I might do some studying so I can earn as much as my husband and let him stay at home for a while. I haven’t worked it all out yet because I don’t have all the answers.

Being at home with your children is one of the most wonderful things you can have happen to you, baking cookies, reading stories and having friends is something that gets me up in the morning. I am sorry if I offended you. I think that maybe the reality check needs to go the other way and you need to look at why this article hurt you so much? Maybe you didn’t get the choice to stay at home? Maybe it’s my ‘handsome’ husband that has your knickers in a knot. I wonder what becomes of you on the days your family has gastro, if you don’t have a ‘village’ or someone to call on to support you? If you have more than one child and you need to rush a sick one to the hospital, is there no one to call? What if you end up in hospital yourself? I think that we all need a ‘village’. A village is made up of men and woman, old and young and diverse. Not just other mothers.

I am a woman. I am proud. Your comments are appreciated but are clearly not that of the majority. (thanks to all the positive feedback I received)I may not mange things successfully but I enjoy my life. Do you? I enjoy writing and I will continue. All I wish to do is to enlighten, inspire and encourage people and if you don’t like it then as my eldest would say “sucks to be you!”

Bethany says: 17 October, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Wow! I just had to leave a reply after reading “Reality Check’s” (RC) acidic and bitter response to your article, Shelly. So let me add my “two-bob’s worth” here………. RC, I am gob smacked at your rude, judgemental and downright NASTY response to Shelly’s great article. How dare you spit out that venom, and then try and defend it by saying you have just as much right to express an opinion as others? Your trying to take your personal frustrations out on others is just not on, and makes you a very small person. You should be ashamed of yourself. Amanda, I read your comment on FB, pondering why people are so vitriolic on web posts – it is because they are empty on the inside, they do not like themselves and they have so much negativity on the inside that it spills out in the form of these kinds of attacks on others. RC, you have hidden behind the cloak of anonymity to dish out your diatribe, and have tried to convince us of your strength as a woman, yet all you have done is show your weakness. I am a strong and very capable professional working woman, but I crumbled into a messy, sobbing heap on many, many occasions when at home with my babies. I made the choice to stay at home, and I was often lonely, vulnerable and desperate for help and support. Yeah, I got through – big deal. But I would never put any other woman down for making different choices to me or handling things differently. We are all champions, but needing help sometimes is nothing to be ashamed of. Insulting or fellow mums they way you did is a disgrace. Go away, and have a long, hard look at yourself – you’re not the amazing woman you tell yourself you are. Your taking offence at Shelly’s article is severely misplaced and quite frankly, I am disgusted with your response. Everybody has a right to an opinion, but that does not mean everyone should feel they have a right to express it.

Loz says: 17 October, 2011 at 6:51 pm

I can testify to the fact that Shelley has friends that are not mothers, I am one of them. Reality check, I think you are very bitter. You were not just expressing an opinion, you were belittling and degrading someone else’s in the process. It’s not like Shelley is the freaking prime minister making legislation for things regardless if you like them or not.

There are people out there who can disagree for sure, but for goodness sake do it in a mature and respectful way. Keep up the writing Shelley!!! xoxo Oh and if you need me to be in your village I am here!!

NicolettaC says: 9 November, 2011 at 4:31 pm

RC, this is the modern world. Your village doesn’t have to be made up of your own extended family and the neighbours you’ve known your whole life – it doesn’t work like that any more. But we are all here sharing our ideas and opinions – giving support, even though it may be no more than our words we use to do so. HerCanberra IS our village! At least one part of it – so what are contributing to the village?

Shelley, I’m a full time working Mum. I also need the support of a whole village to raise a child – my family, friends old and new, my workmates and online acquaintances. I feel sorry for any Mums who are struggling with loneliness – and I also feel sorry for any Mums who haven’t taken the amazing opportunities motherhood provides to make new friends or develop existing relationships.

Catherine says: 9 November, 2011 at 7:32 pm

I think it is very important to find like-minded supportors. I found a wonderful and deep friendship after connecting in antenatal classes. I looked forward to my mums group, and after 12 mth, the play group. I didn’t make deep connections though. I eventually joined ABA when pregnant with number 2. When he was 6 mths I started going to regular meetings and playdates…I wrote about why I love ABA on my blog: http://bellabirthwithcatherine.tumblr.com/post/11900349776
it seems appropriate, given the responses to this wonderful article. Feminisim to me is about womens rights. The right to natural birth, natural parenting and breastfeeding…AND the right to do this whether you work out of the home or stay at home.

xoxo

Anna says: 1 February, 2012 at 7:17 pm

Man, am I in need of a village at the moment! Shelley, your article was one of the most helpful things I have found in my research to date and I thank you for it.

I am moving to Canberra in April as my husband has recently joined the Army and so is on an intensive 18 month Officer training course at Duntroon. The week he got in, we also found out I was pregnant for the first time and we subsequently found out it was twins! I am an intelligent, well-educated, professional woman who finds herself in a situation where she will be living in a new place, handling newborn twins alone for the most part and not in a position to pay for childcare in order to go back to work (nor would I want to lose the first wonderful year, at least, with my twins!). If I didn’t proactively do something about it – and get out there to create a “village” to help me – I would be very much on my own and society would do very little to help me.

I am happy to admit that I can’t do this on my own, nor would I want to. There are a wealth of wonderful people out there – single, married, mothers, childless, older, younger, working, not working – all of whom can and will add enormous value to both my life and the lives of my unborn children, and I look forward to the opportunity of getting out there and meeting them!

Sim says: 12 December, 2012 at 8:20 am

Ur article is very helpful. We arrived from Sweden few months back. Tried a few play groups but people in
Canberra are truly very unfriendly . I hve 2 toddlers aged 1 an 2 . U go to the park. Parents don’t even smile at u.
Lived in Melbourne for 3 yrs an people stop to talk to u in bus stops. An then there is Canberra :(((

Shelley Eldridge says: 12 December, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Dear Sim,

Canberra can be harsh at times but don’t give up on us. There are some really amazing and kind people that are around. (that’s not to say that I haven’t met any rude people.) I hope the article helps you and hopefully next year I will talk to HerCanberra staff about hosting a parent group get together, to help parents come together and get to know each other a bit better.

I haven’t been to the Majura Womens Group and/or Brindabella Womens Group, but I hear great things are happening there. Give it and/or MOPS a go. Hang in there, Canberra is great, if you can get past the inital rude barrier some people put up.

Good luck,

Shelley

Em says: 12 December, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Great article thanks Shelley.

Reality Check: I read your response as very much about you – not about Shelley (despite your cutting observations about her personal life, which defy belief).

Your suggestion is that you have everything under control as a successful single working mum without a ‘village’. Unfortunately, it doesn’t read that way. People who truly have their act together would never compose a response that is so drastically out of proportion to the intent of a post, and certainly not with as little tact or empathy as you managed.

Shelley has clearly touched a raw nerve. Maybe it’s her suggestion that you let that village in. (I know I did when I was a single working mum – that’s how I managed to juggle work and the kids without jumping down strangers’ throats online.)

I often think that it takes a lot of strength to do everything yourself and even greater strength to allow yourself to be vulnerable and let other people in. Shelley is the one who comes across in this article as the stronger person.

Trish says: 12 December, 2012 at 4:08 pm

I used to get upset by this debate and then one day I realised that there will always be someone out there, ready to tell me that I am doing everything wrong and ready to attack me personally, then say “it’s just my opinion”. My kids are now 12 and 14, I’ve been a SAHM and a WOHM, I’ve done it all, seen it all, heard it all and blogged about it too. The only sensible response to someone who attacks me for my choices is to ignore them – especially online. Realitycheck’s comment achieved exactly what she wanted it to achieve, and her apology for offending anyone is typical of a troll-like apology: vacuous and phrased in a way that further offends. Ignore her.

Shelley Eldridge says: 12 December, 2012 at 7:51 pm

Trish, Em and Sally,

Thank you for your support. This was written back in Oct 2011 and was my second piece on this website.
Thanks to Reality Check, I was able to define what I did (as a Stay-At-Home-Mum) and work out the measure of myself in this busy career driven world.
I wrote a post titled ‘Beyond Blue’ (http://www.hercanberra.com.au/index.php/2011/11/09/beyond-blue/) to explain that I too had had my hardships.
I wrote many posts about my role as a SAHM and what it meant to me. Yet, there was always a backlash. The backlash was more hurtful, because it was from people who were reasonable and of sound judgement.
Finally, I wrote, ‘Feminist housewives’. (http://www.hercanberra.com.au/index.php/2012/02/21/feminist-housewives/) Which I felt finally put this issue to rest. I found some peace of mind. I had finally explained what I did and didn’t undermine what anyone else did with their lives.
I encourage you to read my ‘feminist housewives’ post and comment there, as opposed to bringing up the ‘home mums verses working mums’ debate here.
This post ‘Mum’s making friends’ was and still is intended for Mum’s looking for friendship and I encourage mothers that are looking for friendship or wanting to share more mother friendship advice to comment here.

Thank you

Shelley Eldridge

Tim Gore says: 12 December, 2012 at 10:58 pm

“reality check,” I don’t necessarily disagree with your approach to life, just your repudiation of Shelley’s. It’s clear that your type of personality/mindset doesn’t get Shelley’s. In fact, her stated mind set has set you off twice now. Is there history there? Or a back story?
I’d certainly like to hear it to better understand your view point – but under your real name. Without your name your comments could be confused for trolling.

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