Mastering your mean girl: stop the self sabotage

Posted on 31 August, 2016

“You’ve got no idea how many people laugh at you behind your back.”

I had to hand it to her – it really was the perfect nasty text: executed with precision, designed to hit with full force in the softest, most vulnerable of spots.

And it did.

It was a text message received from a girl I knew — over a vacuum cleaner, of all things. I’m not telling you this to elicit sympathy – this isn’t that kind of story. This is a story about self sabotage – something that in my opinion affects more of us than you might think, and isn’t discussed nearly enough.

Self sabotage happens to all of us

I went for a walk with a good friend of mine the other day and I was explaining how the previous day I’d overeaten. I’m not just talking like a cheeky Tim Tam with a cuppa, I’m talking a lot, and I was trying to articulate why exactly I’d done it when my diet had been going so well.

“Occasionally when a part of my life starts to feel positive and in control,” I explained nervously, “I kind of mess them up because in a way, I feel like I almost don’t deserve it.” Cue sweaty palms, a racing heart and that nervous sinking feeling that comes with vulnerability.

To my surprise, she knew exactly what I meant. This wildly intelligent, beautiful, accomplished and confident woman had the same feelings I did.

The reason I mentioned the text message is because the feeling that I had when I received it is a feeling I’m taken back to in my own moments of self sabotage. No matter how much progress I made towards being a better, stronger, kinder and more successful person – these are the voices that appear in my mind, like a match lit up with a hot flame, searing my sense of confidence.

Maybe for you it isn’t something so direct and external – perhaps it was being teased in primary school or being made to feel not good enough by a previous partner. We all have our own versions of this, where we’ve felt ashamed, humiliated or just plain terrible about ourselves.

Some people call it your ‘mean girl’ – the voices in your head that whisper negative thoughts. Other people refer to it as ‘impostor syndrome’ – feeling like you’re playing pretend, particularly in moments of success.

The problem with mean girls

The problem is when we let these thoughts affect our behaviour. It can mean that we stop doing something we know is good for us – like cancelling the workout we had scheduled, or bailing on plans with friends. It can also influence us to behave in a way that steers us away from our goals, like procrastinating, snapping at our partner or kids, or emotional eating.

This begs the question, how do we silence the voice of self-doubt?

In her book Mastering Your Mean Girl, Melissa Ambrosini says “awareness is key to mastering your Mean Girl… so rather than fighting her, slamming the door in her face and resisting her every step of the way, it’s more constructive to use her as a guide back to your truth… love!”

For me, simply recognising that I’m not alone in this feeling has gone a long way in helping to move forward from it. While it isn’t a problem that affects me on a daily or weekly basis, every now and then it rears its ugly head and like many things in life, having the ability to acknowledge and talk about it can help to dissipate the clouds of insecurity.

The truth is that none of us are immune to those feelings. No matter how successful we are from the outside, whether it’s a seemingly perfect career, relationship, body or social life, we are all human and we all have insecurities.

How to silence the mean girl

Often the power of these thoughts lies in their secrecy, and calling them out for what they are – a negative, false and fear based story – can help you to overcome them. I would agree that self-confidence isn’t a destination we get to, only to put our feet up and never think about it again, but a choice that we make time and time again. A surefire way to get better? Practice.

Stephen Chbosky wrote “we accept the love we think we deserve” – and that includes your self-love and self worth. The next time your self sabotaging voice of doubt comes knocking, acknowledge it and make a conscious decision to choose love and act in a way which steers you towards your goals – be it a nourishing meal, a candle lit bubble bath, a social outing or a workout. You most definitely deserve it.