Domestic and Family Violence: Dating and Relationships

Posted on 7 August, 2019

HerCanberra is proud to partner with Domestic Violence Crisis Service ACT’s (DVCS) Voices for Change Advocates to publish this series on the impacts domestic and family violence has had on their lives.

There are six Advocates; Jess, Kristen, Lula, Michelle, Monique and Teyarna.

Each of the Advocates has had very unique experiences, but they do have one thing in common: their desire for the end of domestic and family violence within our community.

They also share the hope that by sharing their stories they can continue the work being done and already done by so many working in this field.

For this instalment of the series, four of the Advocates have shared how their experience of dating and relationships has been impacted.

To protect the privacy of the Advocates, and their partners, we will refer to the Advocates as Advocate One, Advocate Two etc.

“Who would be interested in a young, divorced mother of young children? That is what came to mind when I first started dating again,” said Advocate One.

Advocate Two followed, “I had similar thoughts. Would I be too much? Am I damaged goods? Will anyone like me?”

Upon reflection, Advocate Four noticed she became anxious when a message or phone call to her new partner went unanswered, “Did that mean he was ready to break up with me? I was so anxious that anything to go wrong in the relationship was my fault.”

We asked the Advocates how, and if, they talk about their past with new partners and then about the responses they received

Some of the things that have been said to them is incredibly distressing. Two things in particular demonstrate a clear lack of understanding and empathy.

It does raise the question about whether we are doing enough to educate people on how to engage appropriately with people who have experienced trauma. We will address this again a bit later.

Advocate Two told us “My partner was really supportive when I told him.  He found it hard to believe I had been through all of that. That was similar to many other guys I have dated. I think they find it hard to get their head around what my ex-partner did.  But there was one guy who said to me ‘But you’re fine now, right?  You don’t have to pop pills to get through the day or anything?”

She goes on, “Another guy I had been dating for a while was really supportive of me, my children and my advocacy work. But as time went on it became too much for him and he ended things. He had children of his own and was worried for their well-being due to the nature of the situation with my ex-partner.”

“I’ve been in a few relationships post my abusive relationship. I’ve not told everyone about the abuse I have experienced. Of the partners I did tell, none of them have responded well. They have actually all just been silent, or moved the conversation along.  Upon reflection, that’s actually really shit. Nobody asked me what happened, how I felt about it or how it might impact our relationship” Advocate Four shared.

Advocate Three has older children and told us this “A guy I had been dating for a few months told me ‘I can’t have my children around someone like you. I fear for my safety and the safety of my children. The Police know you.” This is incredibly unfortunate.

The vast majority of people who use violence towards their partners and family members are only violent towards them, it is about power and control of that person. And in Advocate Three’s case, the person who used violence against her was in prison, for a long time, so there were no immediate safety concerns.

Some of the Advocates’ have had to share things that they find triggering with their new partner and their new partner has altered their behaviour as a result. Advocate Two told us “He would pop over to my house announced. He did it on his way home from work or as a surprise. But each time I would hear that door knock, I would freak out thinking it was my ex.” Advocate Four shared “My partner can’t kiss me or initiate things if I am asleep. I will turn to stone once I wake and realise what is happening. This makes him feel rejected, so he has had to stop.”

Advocate One told us “I have PTSD, depression and anxiety as a result of my experience. This can make my life complex. My partner is still learning how to deal with this, he has already learnt a lot, but still has a lot to learn. He has never previously dealt with anything like this before, but he is trying. We’ve come a long way together.”

When we asked how their children were managing their new relationships, it was a real mixed bag of responses

“Due to the Family Violence Order, my children’s father is not around. My new partner being around has made a positive impact.  It also helps them see what a healthy relationship looks like” Advocate One told us, Advocate Two also noticed the positive impact of a healthy relationship has had on her children.

We asked the Advocates how their partners felt about them participating in the Voices for Change program

“My partner at the time was incredibly supportive, and proud,” said Advocate Two.

“Yes, my partner was also supportive and proud of me, but he does think I do too much” Advocate One told us as she laughed.

Finally, we asked the Advocates if there was something else they wanted to share

Advocate Four said “People, particularly men, need to be educated about trauma, how this impacts people’s behaviour (possibly for the rest of their lives) and how trauma might impact their relationships. People who experience trauma still feel shame, they might not show it, but they do. They may not want to share detailed conversations, but just little bits of information.”

“Please respect what trauma victims want to share and what they don’t. People who have been subjected to domestic and family violence and sexual violence might find physical interactions threatening. Another thing that is common is our new partner may express extreme concern or get angry because they weren’t there to protect us. Displaying anger, even not acting on it, can be really triggering and not at all helpful.”

If you are concerned about what you or a loved one might be experiencing, please contact the Domestic Violence Crisis Service on their 24/7 crisis intervention line on 6280 0900. 

You don’t have to give them your name and their services are available to anyone in the ACT, free of charge.

HerCanberra is a proud supporter of the Domestic Violence Crisis Service and the Voices for Change Advocates.