What to (really) expect when you’re expecting

Posted on 5 July, 2018

I hated being pregnant. There, I said it.

I always felt a tad outside the club when excited mums would say, “Pregnancy was the most wonderful time of my life. I felt amazing, especially after the first 12 weeks, like I could do anything…don’t you?”.

“Ah nope. I feel like utter garbage.”

Seriously I’d never felt worse. Most days I wished I could go to sleep and wake up on my due date with a sweet little babe in my arms, instead of them taking up residence in my body like some anti-government protester.

Thanks to nausea, heartburn and a horrendously foul taste in my mouth, I didn’t get to take pleasure in the things I was looking forward to— like the ‘glow’ or enjoying prenatal yoga classes. I tried them, and incidentally invented a new pose—puffing cow.

Seriously, I didn’t feel beautiful or graceful or supple. I felt sick and awkward. Apart from having the sturdiest nails and thickest hair I’ve ever had, I’d never felt worse.

I knew I loved my baby, that wasn’t the issue. But I was kind of taken aback when so few mums admitted to anything but pleasant memories. Perhaps the yucky bits fade fast, or perhaps they felt disloyal to their little ones to divulge that carrying them wasn’t so rosy.

For almost a year it felt as though my body was undeniably rejecting the foreign body that had fixed itself within. It was basically like one really long never-ending hangover—the kind you get in your late twenties or thirties when your body can’t hack it anymore.

I would have given anything for the ginger, crackers, wristbands, snacks, burnt toast, peppermint tea, ice or the other scores of remedies I tried in a vain attempt to feel better.

For me, It was a horrid experience only made bearable by the prize I got at the end. And whilst I didn’t stay quiet about how horrendous the experience was, I constantly felt bad about it, fearing I’d be made un-pregnant because I dared speak the words I shouldn’t.

While the human baking process has been going on for centuries, I feel like a huge whack of it is not discussed.

If you think that being pregnant is anything like you’ve seen in the flicks….it’s not. It might surprise you to learn that some normal, uncomplicated pregnancies really, really suck. And on top of all this, its damn hard to find sympathy from anyone other than women who are currently pregnant and feeling like rubbish.

Yes, it’s worth it in the end…but that doesn’t change the fact that the journey can be downright crap.

So, I’ve created a list of things no one tells you. Some women experience none of these, some experience them all.

There’s no such thing as morning sickness

Midday sickness. Midnight sickness. The time of day doesn’t change anything. It might as well be coined ‘all the damn day sickness’. It’s a complete fiction that preggos throw up before 9 am and go on to have a fabulous day.

Everything swells

Your face swells. Your boobs enter a room five minutes before you and 10 minutes after your belly.

Also, weird nipples. I really don’t want to talk about nipples. But they’re weird. That’s all you need to know. After all, they’re going through some rough stuff.

Ginger

It does sweet nothing. In fact I banned the G word from use in our house. I swear if one more person told me to eat, it I would have screamed!

So there you have it. A few key things you may or may not have wanted to know about being pregnant that no one was going to tell you anyway.

On reflection, I now understand that pregnancy is like planning a wedding

We work so hard to make it perfect when, in reality, it’s the marriage that follows that counts. Pregnancy wasn’t the glorious experience I expected but motherhood is the real prize.

Now excuse me, I’m off to ice my crotch and change my pad.