Christmas isn’t always a time of comfort and joy, especially for parents heading for or in a relationship meltdown.

Separated couples with children who are facing their first holiday season apart can struggle. Communication can be an issue. Emotions are often mixed and can run high. Sparks can even fly. While circumstances vary, the fallout can include depression, tension, isolation and extreme anxiety for everyone—including, sadly, the children.

So what is the best way to deal with things that might not be going the way you want them to?

At the top of the list is putting the children’s needs first and remembering that it is not their role to create a harmonious environment through the holidays. Catherine Coles, Lawyer from the Canberra Office of Watts McCray, says it can be a big ask to expect a blissful, hassle-free Christmas when relationships are frail or broken down, but having realistic expectations and applying some practical tips can help ease the pain.

Watts McCray specialise in family law, and Catherine urges parents to think about:

• sitting down and planning as much as possible in advance to avoid flare-up arguments
• communicating calmly and in a friendly tone, as opposed to dictating in an aggressive or frightening tone
• respecting family traditions and aiming for as little disruption as possible
• compromising, and aiming to be fair, so the children can have the best of both worlds
• adjusting on practical matters, such as the need to drive a bit further or facilitate different care arrangements
• being civil to one another, no matter how hard it is, and making sure any disagreements are out of earshot of the children
• making a list of familiar ‘triggers’ and doing everything you can to avoid them
• managing your emotions by remembering that it makes no sense to expect miracles, but it does make sense to try to manage matters sensibly; and
• using technology to make communications possible, such as ‘visits’ through Skype.

‘We urge clients to take a deep breath where possible—unless the situation is an abusive or violent one—and to remember that the holidays will end,’ says Ms Coles. ‘Once they do, it can be easier to focus on the best next steps, supported by legal advice, if necessary.’

When tensions rise, some parents instinctively rush to the phone to seek legal advice. ‘Being on the phone to your lawyer all the time during the holidays can be costly’ says Ms Coles. ‘Right now, being so close to 25 December, it’s unlikely that the Court will have time to make a decision on how children will spend Christmas time with their parents, although sometimes lawyers can negotiate an outcome.’

If possible, the best time to concentrate on your legal options is after the emotionally charged Christmas period is over. ‘You can hopefully think more clearly then,’ says Ms Coles. ‘It’s a better time to sit and work things through with your lawyer.’

‘If all else fails during the festive season, definitely get legal advice from an expert,’ says Ms Coles. ‘Choose a firm with leading family law specialists and years of experience, and never enter into protracted discussions without first requesting a detailed fee schedule from the lawyer you are engaging.’