My #metoo moment

Posted on 29 October, 2018

Trigger Warning: sexual assault 

I’m sitting in my kitchen writing this because yet another night has passed that I was excited to go out and meet my friends, but instead, I’m at home.

Frustrated that I could not bear to put on makeup, get dressed and go out where I know I would be surrounded by wonderful friends and have a fun evening of social dancing. It wasn’t always this hard. I was never like this, and now I’m at a loss as to how I should feel.

I guess it all spurred into motion when, at 22, I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified.

I didn’t know where I saw myself in the world. I had no clue what purpose I had. All I knew was that I could not allow myself to be happy or excited.

I knew immediately that I couldn’t keep the baby. I felt like my world was setting a course before I was even ready. My partner didn’t know how to react. He was far less prepared than I was. My mother was the biggest supporter of the situation. She kept trying to say that I had options, but I didn’t want to listen. I knew I couldn’t go down that road. I knew I would be the only one raising the child and, even though my mother brought my sister and I up on her own, I couldn’t do the same.

A month or two after finding out, I broke up with my partner. I knew that I wasn’t happy with him. The whole experience left me feeling lost—lost in myself, and who I wanted to be.

In the months that passed, I began to try online dating with little success. Almost ready to give up, I agreed to meet a guy I’d been talking to—our conversations weren’t very exciting but I decided that I would meet him, thinking this would probably be my last online blind date. We met for dinner and, to my surprise, he was wonderful.

He was good looking but also seemed like a nice person. He was a good listener and had a great sense of humour. It had been so long since I felt giddy on a first date. I felt like he was being very forward when he pulled me in for a kiss at the end of the night but I didn’t care, I enjoyed experiencing dating again.

A few days after our first date, I asked him if he would like to meet for lunch—he agreed and later asked if I could pick him up from his home, as he had a drink with some friends earlier. I agreed to meet him near his house and we drove to lunch. Afterwards, we weren’t sure how to spend the rest of our afternoon. I mentioned that we could watch a movie at his place since it was nearby. We had previously talked about the movies that we both liked and should watch together. I was aware of the possibility that something intimate might happen at his house and I was okay with that at the time.

The television was in his room, and as he was connecting his laptop to the TV to play, I made myself at home by relaxing on his bed. He began playing a movie and then lay under the covers of his bed—I joined him as the room was quite cold. About 10 minutes into the film we were cuddling which then turned into kissing. I was a bit frustrated that we weren’t watching the movie but continued anyway. He began removing clothing. The situation felt quite rushed but still I went along with it.

We were both naked and he left me to go and find a condom. He then returned and climbed on top of me and began kissing me again and moved in closer to my body. I noticed that there wasn’t much time that had passed from him getting a condom and asked him if he had gotten the condom. His reply was “I couldn’t find one,” as he continued to move in closer. I felt uncomfortable and said to him “I’m not comfortable having sex without a condom.”

He seemed puzzled by my words.

“I’ve been pregnant before, I’m very fertile.”

He seemed to have no reaction to my words. We hadn’t talked about sex before this moment and I regretted that. I mentioned the morning after pill but knew that I would need to see a GP and get a script for the pill, and even though he offered to pay for it for me I said it was too much of a hassle. “No, no, no, no…” was my resolve.

A short silence passed and he began kissing me again. I was okay with kissing for the moment so I reciprocated. He then began moving closer, I used my thighs outside his legs to keep a distance between us but eventually, he lifted my hips and I couldn’t block his body anymore…

At first, I was annoyed, I had just said no. Annoyance then turned into a discomfort. I couldn’t stop what was happening. I tried to take my mind off what was going on, waiting for it to end. Just waiting.

When he was finished, he lay beside me. I was still for a moment, I felt compelled to lie on his arm but fought that thought away and began putting my clothes on. All I wanted to do was get out of there. He noticed my discomfort and I said to him.

“I told you I was uncomfortable having sex without a condom.”

He didn’t respond and pulled me in for a kiss, to which I reluctantly gave in. I was in shock, I wasn’t thinking straight. All I knew was that I needed to get out of there. I told him I wanted to go home, to which he said: “it sounds like I’m never going to see you again.”

I felt bad and reminded him that we were going to see each other the next day as we had planned earlier. He offered to walk me to my car. He could not have gotten dressed any faster. I was impatient, too: all I cared about was getting away from that place. Before I got into my car, he gave me one last kiss. I cried the entire drive home.

I was confused and in shock. What had I just experienced? It wasn’t a violent situation. Had I somehow given him consent? I wasn’t sure. I was so confused. I told my mother what had happened, or what I could remember of it. She calmed me down and told me everything would be all right.

I had forgotten a lot of details of the encounter and received a message from him the next day about meeting. He wanted me to meet him at his place and I declined immediately.

I agreed to see him, only to tell him of how I felt. I knew that he needed to know. I met with him and told him of my experience. His expression was the same as the day before; he said he was sorry to have made me feel uncomfortable but I wasn’t sure if he only said that to make me feel better.

In the days that followed, I would finish my shifts at work crying in my car. I would remember details and then would forget them immediately. Four days after the assault, I was in my car again and as I began to remember I started frantically writing things down. I broke down.

I hadn’t come to the conclusion that I was sexually assaulted until then.

I immediately called the Canberra Rape Crisis Centre because I didn’t know what to do, they were lovely and they explained to me all my options.

Two weeks later I was driving back from Sydney after visiting my best friend and made the decision to go to the police. I pulled my car over and immediately called my mother. We went to the Police station and made a report that evening. I felt a little bit better.

Two weeks after that I met with an investigator who I knew really sympathised with me. I had to go through my experience all over again as I made a detailed police statement but I knew that I couldn’t bear to do nothing.

Unfortunately, over time my case couldn’t continue as the investigators explained that the case wasn’t very strong and I would most likely not win in court. Two of the detectives sat me down to make sure I fully understood why, which I really appreciated. I wasn’t surprised, a part of me knew it might not proceed. I knew that not a lot of people get convicted for assault, unless it’s an extreme case. All I know is that I did only what I could.

Afterwards, I felt powerless, like a tool used for another person’s pleasure. I said no and it felt like my words didn’t matter. The reality is sexual assault can happen to anyone. It doesn’t matter how nice someone may seem.

Everyone has a right to consent and should be respected. Unfortunately, we still live in a world where sexual assault is all too common. I’m privileged to be alive in the same time of the #metoo movement, a time where people who have had these experiences can understand, share and empower themselves. By sharing my story, I hope to encourage others to share their experiences and address this issue that affects our society.

The Canberra Rape Crisis Centre offers free face-to-face support services for victims/survivors. Visit crcc.org.au or call 6247 2525.